Generic Visitation
by Duckflesh
Summary: My second parody, this one having much stronger language and a few original commedy effects worked in.


Generic Visitation

By Duckflesh

This is a fanwork, and is in no way affiliated with the Redwall series. All characters and trademarks are used here without permission.

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Abbot: Why, welcome to our abbey, young squirrel! Where do you come from?

Teejee: Uhm… you know, the north. Or south. Or some direction Jacques hasn't written a book about yet. Anyway, it's not really important, my family was murdered by vermin or something, and I just happened to find my way here. I bet the tribe is going to happen by this abbey some time over the next few days, and I'll kill their leader despite no prior training on my part. It'll be great.

Abbot: Hmm… what sort of vermin were they?

Teejee: Oh, it was this terrible group of rats called the Ass Bandits, see, what they'd do is….

Redwall censor: Woah, hold up there, buddy! We try to keep this Abbey "G" rated, thanks.

Teejee: Well, sodomy can be G-rated if you try hard enough…

Redwall censor: No fucking way.

Teejee: Wait, what did you just say?

Redwall censor: Forget it, you cock-sucking, whore-mongering birth defect. Now, get the fuck on with the goddamn story before I waste you both!

Abbot: cough

Teejee: …

Abbot: Yes, well, here's our dining room! We were just about to sit down to a meal, won't you join us?

Teejee: Sure, I'm hungry as hel-

The Redwall censor appears, and promptly shoots Teejee in the foot

Teejee: JESU- Uh, I mean, what the, uh, HECK did you do that for, you DARN CENSOR?

Redwall Censor: Fun, mostly. Dinner scene, take two!

Abbot: cough

Teejee: …

Various diners: …

Abbot: Uhm, so, let's start with a prayer!

Oh, great seasons, thank you for blessing us with thy fruits and grains,

and forests rich with thy bounty,

and letting us romp in thy fields and plains,

and- fuck, how does this prayer end?

the Redwall Censor marches in and shoots a hedgehog in the head. His wife starts to scream hysterically

Ms. Hedgehog: Why'd you kill him!? He didn't even do anything!!

Redwall Censor: Because I'm _mean_, ok? Christ! Now get the fuck back to dinner before I start wasting dibbuns…

Abbot: cough

Teejee: ….

Ms. Hedgehog: ….

Abbot: So, have a pasty!

Teejee: What's a pasty?

Abbot: It's similar to a scone.

Teejee: Ok, what's a scone?

Abbot: Not much different then a triffle.

Teejee: And a triffle is….

Abbot: Similar to a crumble.

Teejee: …

Abbot: Which is really just a variation of a tart.

Teejee: … how about you just hand me that pie over there?

Abbot: Oh, you don't want _that_ pie, it's the deeper 'n ever. Only the moles are dumb enough to eat it. We told them it's chocolate, but it's actually pretty much just dirt and stoat feces.

A mole drags his head out of a deeper 'n ever pie and looks at the abbot with a very retarded expression

Mole: Wazzat, zurs?

Abbot: Nothing, just go back to eating.

The mole says something along the lines of "Duhrrrrrrrrrrrrr" and continues eating

Teejee: ….Ew!

Abbot: Yep.

Teejee: How about that soup? Is that edible?

Abbot: The Hotroot soup? Well, you_ could_ eat it, but that would mean the otters get one bowl less of it, which would translate into a very long sodomy session for you later tonight.

Teejee: Ooch, otters around here really don-

Redwall Censor: Now, WHAT DID I TELL YOU FUCKJOBS ABOUT SODOMY?

Abbot: Aw, Christ, don't kill anyone, it won't happen again!

Redwall Censor: Sorry.

as the cellar keeper comes out of the cellars, he gets seventeen bullets in him and tumbles back down the stairs

Abbot: Doesn't that damn gun ever run out of bullets?

Redwall Censor: No. Look, I'm gone, no more screw ups, or I'm setting the badger mum on fire.

Abbot: cough

Teejee: ….

Cellar Keeper: HELP ME!

Abbot: So, how about a drink?

Teejee: Yeah, let's get plastered! The only alcoholic thing I recall seeing at dinner is wine…

Abbot: Hah, don't be naive. Pretty much everything we drink is at least 50 alcohol.

Teejee: Really?

Abbot: Yep. Cordil is our word for "12 pints of vodka".

Teejee: What about October Ale?

Abbot: Haha! October Ale is pretty much just grain alcohol.

Teejee: Well, you know, that actually explains a lot.

Abbot: Why else would the moles talk like that? Aside from being born retarded in general, they're pretty much always drunk off their asses.

Redwall Censor: You know, "asses" isn't G-rated.

Abbot: Well neither is fucking shooting people, but you do that!

Redwall Censor: …I'm going outside for a smoke.

The Censor shoots both the Abbot and Teejee, then strides outside and sits on the steps, puffing on a cigarette

Redwall Censor: …I love my job.


End file.
